Mean Monsters

Mean Monsters

Dear Old Miserable Woman
You are now coming to an age of menopause and depression
The world seems to take you for granted
Your husband, daughter and son treats you like a fool
mean monsters they are
You are forever hopeless with your parents dead
while their tombstone is still new and the soil is still red
there is no where to turn 
You start to lose your head - your logical senses are deteriorating  
It has been revealed that you are no longer sincere with your lifelong responsibility
Well you asked for it ( remember that dusty engagement ring you kept away?)
Better stop quick cause your good deeds are gone to absolute waste
To be fair, you have done an excellent job of nurturing your offspring
Too bad your negativity is taking a toll on you
You know your problem - but guess what you're concealing your lips
now what help can that bring to anyone
Pity you Old Miserable Woman
You have been through a lot in your life and now your paranoids is killing you silently
The truth remain a blur behinds those hours of nagging with your loud,noisy voice
echoing in the rooms filled with soulless human attached to their gadgets 
who are you talking to eventually?

Have Faith

Have Faith

''Buat mereka yang sudah bertemu jodoh seperti yang sudah tercatat di dalam 'nota' takdir masing-masing. Alhamdulillah...Buatku, belum dalam waktu ini.''

JODOH TIDAK AKAN BERKUNJUNG JIKA TIDAK DICARI

Dear childhood friend, congratulations! May Allah bless this wonderful marriage with health and happiness, and forever be in love with Him and your dearest husband. Insha Allah.

Bersih kuasa DUA

Bersih kuasa DUA

Rumahku syurgaku
Walau disebalik almari jati yang mewah 
Disisi takar-takar minyak mentah yang melimpah 
ada kepincangan yang disengajakan
Kini rumah ini ingin dibersihkan


Daki yang kotor itu ingin disental sekerasnya
sewajarnya dihapuskan segera
dengan dua berus bermata sembilu, berwarna kuning
tangan coklat juga sawo matang berhempas pulas
hairan juga putih langsat putih kemerahan tidak kelihatan
barangkali kepenatan bertandang ke rumah jiran sebelah
meminta simpati menjaja cerita dongeng
ada benarnya merancang jalan keluar apabila rumah sendiri tidak aman lagi


Operasi membersih ini masih giat dijalankan
ayuhlah bergotong royong membersih sambil besorak sorai
bemandikan asap bakar sampah yang perit
alangkah indahnya apabila yang dibakar itu maruah sendiri
selagi tikus belum puas membaiki labu
selagi itulah sudah terhantuk baru mahu terngadah

Freedom of Choice

Freedom of Choice

we are the citizen of rationality and we talk through things.

Synopsis

Synopsis

... The warm daylight pours in from the french window of their bedroom and shines on their tanned bodies ; almost a beautiful potrait. In the stillness of the air ,she stares at him with devious smile. She moves closer towards him, pushing the silk duvet away from her legs. Her bosom touches his bare body as she kisses him sofly on the cheeks. 'Baby, wake up', she whispers to his ears. She caresses his toned chest, adoring him from his 'deeds' last night. A soft moan is heard, 'morning love. . .' a sincere smile carved on his lips. He pulls her nearer to him, tugging her in his  protecting arms. He gently kisses her on the forehead, 'Love, breakfast in bed?'.  


A short story in progress...watch out for it 


Aifaa Petra

oh woe is me

oh woe is me

make it hard and raw

gentle force to the corner and savour

take control lead the charge - or surrender

lift it seek them further

down south the sub lines

steady till its ready

sparks that fly taste like ecstacy

oh woe is me

oh woe is me

oh woe is me

messy hair cloudy sight

rip the bow apart

untie the ribbons

splendid devious minds

Something I learned about him..whom I love dearly

Something I learned about him..whom I love dearly

We grow up together, enough said that the good gap of 4 years between us is never a reason not to have a close bond between siblings of different gender. I was seperated from him at the age of 16 (literary, as I was sent to further my studies at a boarding school) when he was at the tender age of 12 ; a small boy who still hang on to his momma for food and clothes. He was an innocent child, with his hair combed sideways with a lil arch everyday. Both of us are at the boarders of learning who we are ; high schools, friends, conflicts. I left, and I feel that distant beween us, for two years I don't know who he is. What was his favourite colour? Does he like it in this manner? or perhaps that type of thing? Nada! Several family visits,I saw him him getting taller and bigger than before, I was second shortest in the family back then :) Oh how I wanted to reach out to him, have a decent brother-sister conversation but I shut myself up, unable to utter. It was just too akward, the words that came out was just simple formal inquiries, let alone sharing big secrets. 

     Later on when I was ready, we spoke to each other openly. I got the chance to sit down and have a real conversation. I told him all that he needed to know about SURVIVING the monstrous pathetic contaminated life of teenage years (okay maybe that's a little over the top) Love life especially, I do want him to appreciate that feeling and pick the ONE who is worth receiving it. Never waste it on the wrong person, regrets and guilt are the shadows that will be chained to the person for their whole life. I may not hold a Phd in life skills, but I do have some cats in the bag that he should be acknowledged of. 

     We noticed some things we have in common, we both enjoyed cooking, experimenting new type of food, he is still my lab rat for all the gooey fettucini oregano lalala food :) and most defenitely ; becoming each others stylist! He got pretty charming pair of eyes in picking up good brands for his clothing *now I wonder where did he get that from..ahemm!* I remembered when we used to play together, in 'hospitals', 'restaurant', 'our own state-of-the-art-blanket-tent houses'... ''kakak ! jom main masak-masak '' 

     Today I came across something, his blog. He is wise, and his words are mature enough for a boy of his age. I am glad he knows what he wants at this stage. A man without a direction is always lost. I am proud of him, he is my dear brother. Best of luck for you PMR this year adik, I will always pray for your well being, success and safety. I miss you okay, note that :)

fluctuate

fluctuate

It's raining again today, 

wrapped in the warmth of the sheer blanket

which hugs the curves of the eve perfectly

she mourned in silent

almost whispering to his ears

the gray cloud of the numb evening

cold after a fiery union

it settles, and subtle the nerves down

loosening with a hint of satisfaction

smudges the linen

in silence..hush now baby

fingers on her lips, staring deep into his drowning eyes

smiling.

in the dark, lights left untouched

voices heard - syllable fluctuated

deep warm breathing

cozy in the arms,protecting.

oh Love. 

:)

Better Chance

Better Chance

5 letters

you told me last night

now that couldn't have been true

the blanket remains warm from the heat

it's so ridiculous that it tasted like chained glucose 

it's like animal

north and south

mountain high that it bestowed to the grand soil

the air is still - this is no condensation

cold as the dawn of secrecy appeared

unrevealing the frozen sweat of the unexpected

thee too brilliant

can I take it in?

you know you got better chances than this

no Duo can hum in one melody in my music

it's the ABC of life, written in foolish textbooks

thee shall follow or lost in the transition

ooo oo oo oo

all that I never want came proposing with a ring

wear a different glases - it looked so promising

stuck in a headlock

I started to believe it when you stopped hiding

but I'll eye thee like machines do

: due to the enjoyment I felt when thee . . ....

Succulent

Succulent

pardon me

the oranges you plucked

I savored it first - I'm thirsty 

it is temptingly succulent 

can't help but to sip a bit

tingling the senses

as it runs trough my nerves

too sour for my liking

you might want to have some

afterwards..

as you find it sweet when it hangs on the tree

when the truth is

it has fallen to ground 

close to where I'm standing.

*double layered

Summer Anna

Summer Anna

as the path diverged

in the middle of Summer

Anna stared at the cloudy sky above her

It used to be so radiant (the light)

and the bushes that grow barbarically startled her in fear

she whispers to the little cricket with a tall satin hat

'Let it rain,if it is going to be dark'

let it wash away the leaves of the old

the other gypsies whom she walked with

is slowing their pace in the mist of time 

getting carried away with the fancy parade

Anna can no longer follow their footsteps

albeit once they shared the same torch

the torch which they are holding now are as aberrant as a white snake

full moon and they are still roaming in the pitch black velvety night

she cannot tolerate that

soon Anna become aware

she SHOULD light up her own path

as she wouldn't want to regret in the middle of autumn..

Aifaa Petra

Now look..

Now look..

now look who's talking

turning their head around

who's waving the white flag

now look who's admitting

now look who's confessing

now look who's crying

now look who's sobbing - hands reaching out for help

now look who's suffering

now look who's teasing

now look who's laughing sarcastically 

now look who won the race

patience no longer the price

now look who's being dumped

now look who's being used

now look who's regretting

now look who crushed their own stand

now don't you dare to correct others' mistake

keep your cursed words to your self

now look...

I don't give damn

fuck you. 

Durjana yang berjaya

Durjana yang berjaya

'' Dalam haruk pikuk tempik jeritan gila

dia berjaya juga menyelit sembunyi ''

pemerhati badan bebas, tanpa ikatan

melihat sambil mepukkan telapak ke pundak

Saling bertikam berbekalkan mulut-mulut si lancang

lidah terjelir-jelir

meludah ke langit

menuding jari tengah ke sana sini

SALAH KAU KAU KAU

KAMU! DIA! MEREKA!

kau bertindak menutup matamu

ibarat menyuruh orang buta lagi tempang berjalan 

tongkat dicampakkan - dia ditolak ke perigi buta

dia pasti sahaja tersengih

'alahai si bodoh'

yang dipertahan adalah si hina penzina

yang layaknya direjam biar diseksa

siapa itu dia?

LELAKI itu.

LELAKI YANG BAIK UNTUK PEREMPUAN YANG BAIK

di mana kedudukanmu?

Lu Gua VI

Lu Gua VI

Alah! Kecah la lu

Lu bicara lu gulap gulita tiada tawa

Lu duduk dalam gua ka?

Lu komplen ala2 parti PKR

Wa bosan la sama mindsetting lu

Lu piker mau seronok saja

Gua nak tampar lu dengan soalan ni 

TUJUAN LU DATANG SINI NAK BUAT APA?

Lu kalo mau enjoy lu baik blah

Lu expect benda mau ikot lu punya cara

Wey balik buat unibersiti sendiri la

HALO MACHA? Terima kenyataan lah!

Lu adapt diri lu sudaaa

Apa lu kecah kecah macam paria mabuk todi?

~ (︶︿︶ ~~

beban

beban

aku bebanmu

aku punca hidupmu terhalang dalam ragam cara

kau mahukan aku begitu

aku jadi begini

lihat diriku 

K E G A G A L A N

K E K E C E W A A N

aku bukan anak yang kau pohon dalam tangismu pada Ilahi

maaf aku buruk segala

kau mahukan 9 ku berikan 5

kau mahukan 8 ku berikan 7

kau mahukan kot putih berserta pangkat Doktor

sebaliknya ku hulurkan bahasa

dalam rencam perkara

kau terpaksa merelakan

TERPAKSA IKHLAS BERKORBAN

aku punca kau terhalang kemahuanmu

aku pengikis hartamu

aku penghadang sialan kepada kebebasanmu

keringat yang membuahkan laba

ibarat semilir yang berlalu

kau tidak merasa apa

kerana kau

TERPAKSA IKHLAS BERKORBAN

untuk diriku dan dia dan Dia

hentikanlah ini

dan bersemukalah 

masa kau bersuara, 

rungkai kesulitannya

hentikanlah ini

agar hatiku tidak bergolak apabila masa memerlukan aku 

kembali sebumbung denganmu

untuk

menjadi bebanmu

Benda bekas

Benda bekas

hey hey you

yah you look over here

THIS used to be mine

it gets boring after sometime

you'll pass it to someone else next time

and oh

that old toy you're holding

my mum said it's a wonderful thing to do charity

that is why I gave my old used toy to you

you'll play a lot

and get hurt

but it's okay

I tasted that toy before you

so now you're licking what I have spit out

DOES'NT IT TASTE GOOD??

enjoy!

Locked doors

Locked doors

2 Kali ia hadir, aku tolak dengan cara yang sebaiknya. Telah kuterima, aku menepisnya kembali ; kewajaran aku masih belum bersedia. Masakan tidak, Cinta pada yang Esa aku tidak termampu, apatah memberi ruang untuk sekelumit kasih yang berbaur dosa. Indah itu pasti, enaknya bertahan hingga seketika, tetapi hujan di pagi hari tidak membawa sejuk ke ufuk senja, ribut yang aku cipta sendiri, aku tiup halus ke tepi. Masih berbaki, tidak aku nafikan ; perit ingin kembali berpijak dengan kakiku yang kini sedikit tempang, telinga yang semakin pekak, dan mata yang berkabus. Jalanku sedikit goyah, maka aku berpegang pada tongkat buat tempoh seketika. Ku punya tongkat jati, namun aku menyakitkan diri dengan memburu tongkat rotan yang mentah - masih di belantara. Aku mencari nahas, maka aku berpatah balik tatkala aku sudah 'terlihatkan' ia di satu dahan yang rendang. Kalau ku paut, dan mencengkam kemas ternyata ia milikku jua. Ketahui lah kau kau serupa persinggahan sang enggang menumpang teduh - sepurnama sudah menghilanglah ia. Satu cereka aku cipta sendiri bagi mengubat parah yang masih berasa (walau sudah sekian lama). Sudah keputusan ku di awal cerita dahulu, aku ingin terawang sahaja di udara, teladan mengajar agar tidak terikat pada usia yang muda. Kini kebodohan nafsu sialan berkepala 9 mengajak aku kembali, hampir sahaja aku jatuh ke dakapan kegilaanku. Terima kasih Tuhan, kau menghalangku ketika putik itu belum sempat berkembang mekar. Sudah puas aku mengulang dengar lagu sengsara, bingit di gegedang, perit di tekak laksana menelan pasiran kesat - tidak lagi. Dan kau, kau memang gula - meneguk kau setiap hari, bikin aku sedikit ketagih dan terbukti ada yang enggan melepaskan engkau tatkala ini. Simpati dan berkabunglah aku tatkla teater hidupmu berlangsung - tutup lampu neon itu. Aku bukan peminat cereka kamu lagi, gampang.

Kotak Besi,Pemain Utama dan Item

Kotak Besi,Pemain Utama dan Item

Lincah dia bermain, disepak ke kanan dan ke kiri, seronok dia menikmati permainan. Semua nampak lancar, dia menyepak lagi sehingga dia puas. SEPAK! SEPAK! DAPAT KEMBALI! SEPAK SEMULA. Dia bergelak tawa petanda suka, amboi bodohnya pemain lain. Masih bugar di ingatan yang dia pernah membisikkan sesuatu padanya, 'tunggu aku'  tapi terpaksa kau duduk diam dahulu. Aku simpan kau dalam simpanan aku, bukan tak hendakkan kau, tapi aku lebih suka istilah 'save the best for last'. Kau kena sabar menunggu kalau hendak berada dalam permainan aku. Dia menutup almari serupa peti kebal tersebut, bisikan nafas harapan itu sahaja yang ditinggalkannya; pasti Item tersebut tersedak, merana, termengah mengah mahu menghirup udara yang terhad. Carbon dioksida yang dilepaskan tambah panas . Pemain meninggalkanya sendiri, dia enggan melepaskan juga enggan memegangnya. Satu rahsia cukup berat, sambil tersenyum sinis.. kalau terbongkar ;aku bakal ditelan rasa bersalah yang gila bagai neraka. Yang sedang rancak disepak itu seenaknya dimanfaat, terkadangkala dia menjeguk juga peti kebalnya, namun hanya seketika; malah dia memekakkan telinga tatkala peti tersebut BISING diketuk kuat dari bahagian dalam. Lantak kau, aku sedang bermain kau tak lihat- kau pun sedar hakikat tersebut bukan? ah, kau yang rela.'Hahaha', bergema gelak tawa kejam. Bagai tidak percaya 'kill two birds with one stone' apa lagi yang dia mahu. Memang pemain perlu tamak haloba, mana mungkin laba yang datang bergolek dibiarkan telepas begitu sahaja. Keadaan semakin rumit ketika permainan seperti sudah mampu dikesan hidung anjing durjana. Sialan, aku susah mahu menyimpan malah kau mahu merungkai ikatan yang sudah aku simpul mati. Dia semakin dihimpit rasa serba salah, Item semakin terbiar, suasana semakin sepi dan musim sejuk beransur kembali ke kotak besi.Tulang keras membeku, pertalian rapuh dan fragil laksananya. Dia diam. Pemain Utama dapat merasa dinginnya permainan, dia semakin sukar bergerak , terasa kakinya kini sudah ditambat ibarat binatang sembelihan. Bagai terperangkap dalam permainan sendiri, pergerakkannya terbatas. Bisik dahulu berulang secara automatis, bagaimana caranya untuk dia kembali kepada Item? Sesal, dia dahulu terlalu cepat membisik, patut ditahan dahulu. SUDAH TERLAMBAT! Kini pemain semakin terjerat,dia punya rasa tapi pastinya KOSONG. Dia sendiri tidak pasti akan tindak tanduknya lagi. Kegilaan membahang, dia masih juga mencuba untuk bermain, terkadangkala bagai menyerupai cosplay, dia menjadi pemain lain berbeda perwatakan. Masa belum tamat, tiada butang pause atau replay, pemain teruskan berlari hingga ke hujung matahari terbenam. 

Hesitation

Hesitation

Don't you realise

the fate is against us at this stage ??

somehow that 3 words are still there

the semantics are unspoken

unable to crawl out from the very deep of the heart

the sensation-

do you feel the spark?

I know I'm losing something here

if i let you go baby,it's the biggest mistake

from the beginning the chemistry was there

you don't have to try

the comfort,warmth and those little silly awkward moments

leave me longing for more..

do you know?

I can't help but to think about you

and to compare him and you

you score big- you won so many time!

he can't beat you from so many angle

you are one good man

I'm egoistic to admit

I hate myself for not giving me more time to think this throughly

now that I'm with him

I'm unable to turn back time

it's fixed

why do I regret this so much?

Why do I feel such pain?

Why do I MISS YOU SO BADLY?!

it's empty inside when you are missing from some chapters of my life

baby, why you are so late?

why do I realise this when it is too late?!

you are my best friend

it is crazy that I finally able to let this out

i think i have it for you..

but it's too late

too late

I can't hurt him

and I will not allow myself to hurt you again

if there's fate

God-willings..

Kini aku pulang

Kini aku pulang

perjalanan ini jauh ke selatan

ku tinggal tangga batu di bumi lendu

beransur kembali ke halaman

deruman menjalar di lebuh raya

bapa di sisi terlihat gembira

membawa bangga anak pertama

ku kini pulang

lembah hijau sawit membentang bumi

desiran semilir bersilih ganti

sesekali terlihat felda di kanan kiri

meliar mata memerhati

kadang terleka melihat kanak-kanak bergembira

ku kini pulang

bau melaka beransur pergi

kuat menusuk 'haruman sawit dan getah'

semakin hampir

ku kini pulang

berbelok belukar bukit dan ranjau

persimpangan utama telah terlihat

aku tersenyum puas

ASSALAMUALAIKUM MAK..

kukucup tgnnya

kupeluk kemas...

aku kini pulang...

:)